There is a strange assumption we often carry about life: that one day, we will finally figure ourselves out.
We imagine there will be a point when everything falls into place. We will know what we want, understand who we are, feel comfortable in our own skin, and stop questioning where we are going.
But perhaps becoming yourself does not work like that.
Perhaps there is no final version of you waiting somewhere in the future.
Perhaps becoming yourself is the journey.
We Spend Years Becoming Who Others Expect
From an early age, we begin collecting ideas about who we are supposed to be.
Be successful.
Be sensible.
Make your family proud.
Choose a respectable career.
Be liked.
Be useful.
Don’t disappoint anyone.
None of these things is necessarily bad. The difficulty comes when we become so good at meeting expectations that we stop asking a much more uncomfortable question:
What do I actually want?
Sometimes we can spend years living a life that looks perfectly reasonable from the outside while quietly feeling that something is missing.
We have the job. The relationship. The responsibilities. The plans.
And yet, somewhere underneath it all, there is a quiet feeling that says: Is this really me?
That question can be unsettling because answering it may require us to reconsider things we have spent years building.
Becoming Yourself Means Discovering What Is Already There
Becoming yourself does not necessarily mean inventing a completely new person.
Often, it means uncovering the person who has been there all along.
The interests you pushed aside because they weren’t practical.
The opinions you kept quiet because you wanted to fit in.
The dreams you dismissed because they seemed unrealistic.
The parts of your personality you learnt to hide because somebody once told you they were too much, too sensitive, too ambitious, too quiet, or simply different.
Growing older can give us the freedom to look at these things again.
We begin to realise that becoming ourselves is not about becoming extraordinary.
It can be as simple as becoming more honest.
Why Does It Take So Long?
Because we are constantly changing.
The person you were at twenty cannot possibly know everything the person you will become at forty will understand.
Experiences change us. Relationships change us. Failure changes us. Success changes us. Loss changes us. Responsibility changes us.
Even our understanding of happiness can change.
What once seemed essential can eventually feel empty. What once looked boring can suddenly become meaningful.
This is one reason the journey inward can take a lifetime. We are not simply trying to discover ourselves. We are continually meeting new versions of ourselves.
And sometimes those versions contradict one another.
That can be frustrating.
But it can also be part of being human.
The Courage to Look Inward
Looking inward is not always comfortable.
It is much easier to focus on the outside world.
There is always another achievement to chase, another message to answer, another goal to reach, another distraction waiting for us.
The noise can keep us from asking difficult questions.
Am I living the life I actually want?
Which parts of me are genuine, and which have been shaped by other people’s expectations?
What am I afraid to admit to myself?
If nobody were watching, would I make the same choices?
These questions do not necessarily give us immediate answers.
Sometimes they create even more uncertainty.
But uncertainty is not always a sign that something has gone wrong. Sometimes it is evidence that we have started paying attention.
Kierkegaard and the Challenge of Becoming a Self
The Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard understood that becoming a self was not a simple matter of finding an identity and settling into it.
For Kierkegaard, being a self involves a relationship with oneself. It involves becoming conscious of who we are, what we choose, what we value, and how we respond to the possibilities and limitations of our existence.
That is why becoming yourself can feel difficult.
We cannot simply blame circumstances forever.
At some point, we have to confront our own choices.
We have to recognise that we are responsible for how we respond to the life we have been given.
This does not mean we control everything that happens to us. We clearly do not.
But there is a difference between having no control over our circumstances and having no responsibility for how we live within them.
That distinction can be uncomfortable.
It can also be liberating.
You Do Not Have to Have Yourself Figured Out
Perhaps one of the kindest things we can learn is that we do not need to have everything figured out.
There is enormous pressure today to know exactly who we are and where we are going.
Career advice tells us to discover our purpose.
Social media encourages us to build a personal identity.
Self-help books promise clarity.
But real life is rarely that tidy.
You can change your mind.
You can start again.
You can discover that something you once wanted is no longer right for you.
You can outgrow a version of yourself without having to hate the person you used to be.
That is not failure.
That is growth.
The Long Journey Inward
Becoming yourself is not a destination you eventually arrive at.
It is a lifelong process of paying attention.
It happens in quiet moments when you realise what matters to you.
It happens when you say no to something you would once have accepted.
It happens when you stop performing for approval.
It happens when you take responsibility for your choices.
It happens when you forgive yourself for not knowing earlier what you know now.
And sometimes, it happens when life forces you to stop and ask who you really are.
The journey inward can be slow.
It can be confusing.
It can even be painful.
But perhaps that is because becoming a self is not supposed to be easy.
We spend a lifetime moving through experiences, making choices, losing things, discovering new possibilities and gradually learning to stand more honestly in our own lives.
Maybe the goal is not to reach a point where you finally say, I know exactly who I am.
Maybe it is to reach a point where you can say:
I am still becoming, but I am finally paying attention.
And perhaps that is enough.
A deeper look at becoming yourself
If you want to explore the philosophical questions behind identity, anxiety, despair and what it means to become a self, check out The Sickness Unto Death: A Modern Translation for the 21st Century.
You can learn more at www.thesicknessuntodeath.com.